Goosebumps: Episode 9 Return of the Mummy

Just as I was beginning to lose hope, I find a one-part episode that doesn't feel rushed. Return of the Mummy feels a little like the script had a razor blade taken to it, but somehow it still works. I suspect this was at least partially because the show lacked the budget to portray an actual pyramid or anything of appropriate scale for ancient Egypt, so we're limited to scenes of people in small rooms. However, these scenes function to deliver the story in a fun, if somewhat campy manner, carried by actors who are clearly enjoying themselves in the roles.

Gabe (Daniel De Santo) is a kid sent to Egypt to spend the summer with his archaeologist Uncle Ben (Elias Zarou) and his cousin Sari (Annick Obonsawin) who are in the process of opening a Pharaoh's tomb. I seriously doubt that the first people to enter a Pharoah's tomb would be the lead archaeologist together with his young daughter and nephew, but this is clearly set in fantasy world. In fact, a good argument could be made to place this story in the same continuity as the old Universal Mummy films.

Before the episode even begins Gabe has already purchased a “summoner” from a man at the airport. Apparently this is the hand of an actual Mummy, which can be used to awaken other Mummies. Uncle Ben, while suspecting the hand was a scam, expresses a willingness to let him try it on the Pharaoh. We get rapid exposition dumps, such as giving Ben a piece of amber with a scarab in it while explaining that possessing a scarab grants immortality. Meanwhile, Sari acts as the standard Goosebumps antagonistic sibling.

We get a reporter (Afrah Gouda) who shows up the site, having mysteriously found out about the dig. Strangely, she has a piece of amber with no scarab in it, because apparently all pieces of amber are supposed to have bugs in them. For some reason she's allowed to enter the tomb with them, because why not.

The Mummy's appearance is fairly sudden. The episode assumes that we knew it was coming, even if the characters didn't, so why pretend otherwise? The real twist, however, is that our reporter is actually the Pharoah's sister, who controlled him throughout his reign, and gained immortality by becoming a scarab. She slept in her piece of amber every night, while able to become a human by day. This is all infodumped on us when she appears, so don’t think I’m rushing. She even continues infodumping after her brother, uninterested in re-establishing their Kingdom, smashes the amber and she’s transforming back into beetle-form.

Her brother then attacks Gabe and Sari. Why he cares about attacking them I'm not sure, but destroying Gabe's summoner appears to stop him and destroy the tomb. So, my best guess is he wanted to get rid of the thing that was keeping him awake.

The episode ends with Uncle Ben trying to figure out how to explain the events to reporters. I'm not sure why Uncle Ben believes them, since he was unconscious for most of the events, but I suppose the 8-year-olds in the audience don't think of things like that. Honestly, the plot hole just adds to the glorious cheese for me.

Unseen to Gabe, however, the supposedly destroyed summoner slips back into his suitcase, headed home for America. I'd actually be curious what happened when it got there. Can it only bring back mummies, or could Gabe cause a zombie apocalypse? I guess we'll never know.

Goosebumps: Episode 7 The Phantom of the Auditorium

I’m actually starting to dread one-part episodes of this show. Even when all the other parts are in place for a good story, the actors still rush through their lines. This episode is another lost opportunity. The kids are mostly passable actors, and borrowing the costumes and organ music from The Phantom of the Opera is a cheap way to get chills, but it works.

The story takes place in a school where the drama class is about to do a production of The Phantom, an obvious knock-off of the above-mentioned story. We’re told the story of the play, and for the most part it’s the same basic premise as the name-brand Phantom. One major change, however: in this play, The Phantom is killed by the Raoul equivalent out of jealousy, and then returns as a ghost.

Brooke (Jessica Moyes) is cast as the female lead in the play, “Esmerelda.” Her friend Zeke (Shawn Potter) is the Phantom. The two of them have excellent chemistry together, and seem like one of the more realistic friendships I’ve seen in children’s television. Zeke is a prankster, who enjoys startling Brooke in his costume. However, Brooke doesn’t really seem to mind, and the two project a sense of trust.

However, Brooke’s snobby understudy Tina (Julia Chantrey) informs us that the play is cursed. Seventy years earlier the play was performed, and the child who was to play The Phantom disappeared, his body never found, and a year later his ghost appeared on the stage when the play was performed again.…also, there’s a new student named Brian (Stuart Stone), and a creepy “night janitor” named Emile (Erik Fink) hanging around.

Of course, things start to go wrong with the play. And by “things” I mean “thing.” As far as I can tell, putting aside a jump scare or two by Zeke, and a bad dream Brooke had at the beginning of the episode, the entire plot seems to be driven by a single incident disrupting rehearsal, when someone in a Phantom costume zip-lines in and causes a prop to nearly hit Brooke. Zeke, having the costume and being a prankster, is blamed and kicked out of the play.

Granted, in the real world this might be enough to create a real issue, but in the world of Goosebumps, where parents and lawsuits are the things of legends, it hardly seems up to snuff to shut down production. This is yet another case of a full hour being needed. At least three or four incidents would have really built up the tension.

Naturally, the two leads team up with Brian to investigate under the stage, and find that the Phantom has been living there. As it so happens, “Emile” was not a janitor but a homeless man living under the school with a Phantom costume. Apparently he felt that the play being performed would create a greater chance of discovery than…people believing that children were in physical danger. There’s no real climax to this storyline, as Emile apparently just runs off when he realizes he’s been discovered, but I’m okay with that. I imagine it’s pretty accurate to what a real homeless person would do if he knew his shelter had been found.

And then, the twist: on the night of the play, someone knocks out Zeke and takes his place on stage. Brooke realizes that she’s on stage with an actual ghost (the flames in his eye sockets were probably the give-away). The Phantom gives a speech in which he explains that he fell down the trap door, died, and became a ghost…oh, sorry, he “fell into the abyss” and “became a real Phantom.”

Honestly, the inability to directly reference death works here. The Phantom is quite effective if you interpret him as an overly dramatic child suddenly given supernatural powers. He even asserts that playing the Phantom in his Middle School play would have been “the greatest night of my life.” And apparently he plans to take “Esmeralda” with him into “eternal darkness.” He’s defeated when she rips off his mask.

And for an extra twist: the Phantom was to be performed by Brian seventy years ago. Brian was the ghost. This would have been a good twist…if we’d had time to develop Brian properly. As it is, he was the background character who painted sets, and was sad that he’d moved to the school too late to audition (…if he could fool the teacher into thinking he was in the class without records or a social security number, why not do so early enough to audition?).

Still, the scenery and atmosphere gives this episode a huge advantage. I really want to know who thought The Haunted Mask merited twice the running time of this episode. This is a rare time when not only was I willing to do my second viewing, I was actually looking forward to it, because the episode is really that enjoyable.

Goosebumps: Episode 4 The Girl Who Cried Monster

Wow, an episode of Goosebumps that I an enjoyed unironically. The cheese is still there. The dialogue has to be condensed to fit this story into a 30-minute time-slot, so characters rapidly spout out exposition. However, this episode seems to have been directed by someone with at least a general understanding of atmosphere, who knew how to use close-ups, camera angles, and the occasional jump scare effective.

The episode follows Lucy (Deborah Scorsone), a girl who loves scaring her little brother Randy (Brandon Bone) with monster stories. However, one day she leaves her backpack in the library and discovers that the librarian, Mr. Mortman (Eugene Lipinski), is a monster who turns green and grows sharp teeth and eye stalks when he eats bugs.

When her family reacts exactly as the title of the episode suggests, Lucy decides to prove it, and Mortman catches her attempting to photograph him. The term “monster” here seems quite generic. Apparently being inhuman is assumed to make Mortman evil, and it's taken for granted that he would eat humans in addition to bugs. But, I’m not here to fight for acceptance for beings that don’t exist.

After a few close calls with Mortman, her parents (Lynn Cormack and Dan Lett) invite him over for dinner. Lucy is of course in absolute panic. Mortman makes his intentions known by saying “It’s been so long since I’ve had a home-cooked meal.”

Scorsone and Lipinski, in addition to the direction, give this episode life. Scorsone appears to be a bit older than the protagonists from the first two episodes, and she plays the role more naturally. Nothing special, but a notch up from the usual child actors.

You might also know Lipinski from the Animorphs television series, where he played the role of Visser Three. Here he's much better, with the episode allowing him to play the role in a less serious manner, hamming it up as both a classic book nerd, and an over-the-top farce of a villain.

I wish the episode could have been in two parts. There are a number of scenes, particularly between the leads, when certain lines felt like they were written to have space, but are crammed together. The lines have weight, but they aren't allowed to sink in.

As for the final twist: Lucy's family are all monsters. Lucy and her brother, being to young to transform, were apparently unaware of this. However, both of her parents are reptilian creatures who invited Mortman over with plans to eat him. The final confrontation happens mostly through close-ups, but it works. We get the idea: Mortman dies screaming.

I'm somewhat surprised that this episode isn't better remembered. It might be that the cheesiest episodes were the most memorable, but I honestly think as an adult horror fan this was worth half an hour of my time. And, honestly, I wish I could see Lipinski in more things.

Goosebumps: Episode 3 The Cuckoo Clock of Doom

I'm not sure if the child actors in this film are bad, or if they're just badly directed with poor dialogue. Notably, the actor who plays the main character (John White) is still working as an adult. This makes me inclined to think its not the director's fault.

That said, the premise of this episode isn't terrible. It's an idea that's both relatable and frightening. An act of sibling rivalry leads to our protagonist being punished. Even though I'm an only child, having been a kid at all I can definitely understand the desire for revenge on other children.

Our protagonist, Michael (White) has a younger sister named Tara (Kristen Bone) who seems to take joy in his suffering. She intentionally embarrasses him at his birthday party in front of his crush, tripping him so that he face-plants in his cake, and shooting him with a Super Soaker full of gunk and running to his parents when he chases her. These are really the only examples we get, because the episode only has twenty minutes after commercials, but it gets the message across: Tara is a little monster, and his parents don't see it.

Then, his father (Larry Mannell) gets a Cuckoo Clock. Mannell is the only actor in this episode who I like without qualification. His performance actually seems to change in subtle ways over the course of the story, as we see him at different points in his life to reflect his maturation as a parent. In the present he's very no-nonsense, in the past he comes across as making more vain attempts to relate to his child on an equal level, something clearly impossible.

And with that, I've given away the conflict: Michael overhears his father threatening to punish Tara if there is any damage to the clock, assuming it would be her. Michael, naturally, sees his chance for revenge. Sneaking out of bed, he twists the head on the cuckoo around, and the next morning wakes up to a repeat of his birthday party.

I'm a little unclear on what happens at the party. It seems to be implied that Michael is somehow forced to relive the most humiliating moments, even with foreknowledge of them, but later in the episode he seems to have complete free-will within the past. Maybe the clock just decided to have fun in this scene.

At first, Michael assumes he's caught in a time loop, circling the same three days over and over again. No such luck, as he wakes up as a six-year-old the following day. This is the point when it hits Michael: if the clock continues to send him back in time he could very easily cease to exist. He attempts to get to the antique shop where his father purchased the clock, and we get a false scare involving a creepy stranger. While the clock is there, the shop is closed for the day, and he finds himself dragged back home by his father.

While Michael assumes that's that end, we as an audience know both that there's time left in the episode, and that it would hardly be an acceptable conclusion if he never reached the clock. So, he gets one last chance...as a one-year-old. I'm not sure if his parents actually went to the antique shop on his first birthday, or if the clock wanted to give him a chance. I lean towards the latter, actually, it seems a bit more satisfying to think the Clock merely wanted to teach young Michael a lesson.

I also find it unlikely that the parents of a one-year-old in a shop full of expensive things would leave him alone in his stroller long enough for him to get out of the stroller, walk over to a clock on his one-year-old legs, and twist the head of a cuckoo-bird back into the correct direction (yes, it's backwards before he twisted it in the future, just go with it). With that, Michael finds himself back in the future, being lectured by his Dad that he shouldn't touch the clock.

This is one of the few, if not the only, Goosebumps episode where the twist is actually to the protagonist's benefit. The final twist: Tara no longer exists. The clock had a series of panels that listed the years, and in the shop Michael accidentally knocked off 1988, the year that Tara was born. The episode ends with him contemplating that he should find a way to bring her back, but seems extremely uncertain if he wants to.

I'm not really sure how to interpret this final twist. Is the clock's magic completely without sentience, just wiping out important events in Michael's life that happened in 1988? Did the clock decide to reward him for some perverse reason? Or did it simply fail to realize that removing Tara would not be a proper punishment for the brother who hated her? I really don't have an answer that I like.

The episode isn't bad, I can say that much. It's cheesy, could use better direction and dialogue, and as with many kids' shows seems a bit rushed at times. But, it actually has some moments that are unsettling as an adult. And the actions of our protagonist do feel like something a kid would do. If you want to revisit this show, give it a watch.