Wednesday Review: Blair Witch

As one of the few people who actually likes Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows, I feel validated by how godawful the “real” sequel to The Blair Witch Project turned out. The original film was probably the single most complete piece of cinema I have ever seen. There was nothing further that we could be shown that wouldn’t simply spoil the mystery. So, Book of Shadows chose to simply go in the direction of mind-screw and present us with a meta story examining the original film as a phenomena.

But now, many years later, we finally have a true sequel. And make no mistake, this is a sequel. Everything in the original film has been turned up to eleven, as suddenly the Witch goes from a mysterious threat that might be supernatural, to a nearly god-like force of nature. The threat she poses goes from scary to cartoonish over the course of the film.

I’m not the first to note that the attempts to update the film go nowhere. The character’s bring a drone gets stuck in a tree and their cell phones stop working immediately. All the new technology is just there to say “ha ha, the Blair Witch still wins!” And that is only the beginning of the increasingly absurd list of powers the Blair Witch now seems to possess. I won’t spoil her full abilities, but suffice it to say that by the end of the movie she’s a full-on reality warper.

The marketing campaign has already made sure everyone is aware that this movie is about the brother of Heather from the first film searching for her many years later in response to some mysterious footage popping up on Youtube. It’s a silly premise, and it’s made sillier by the apparent revelation that no one had been that far into the Burkittsville woods in years. At minimum Blair Witch 2 acknowledged that once the story of the Blair Witch got out, the woods teamed with tourists.

I think I’ve decided that Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett work best with horror-comedies. You’re Next was brilliant, both tense and hilarious. Their segment in The ABCs of Death was side-splitting. But, for me at least, The Guest failed for exactly the same reason as this film: an overpowered villain who fails to be either scary or compelling.

My ultimate problem with this film, however, is a pretty major spoiler: we’re shown the Blair Witch. The camera is pointed directly at her multiple times, and we get brief but clear views of her. Congratulations to Wingard and Barrett! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a horror icon ruined quite so quickly as the Blair Witch who has now transformed into a knock-off of Mama.

So, for God’s sakes skip it. I’ve suffered for you, there’s no need to sacrifice yourself to this piece of crap as well.