Halloween Review: Halloween III Season of the Witch

I imagine that anyone who follows my blog, if such people exist, guessed long ago that Halloween III: Season of the Witch would be my review for Halloween 2016 (interesting note: I'm writing it on New Years Day). It's one of the most Halloweeny movies ever made, with witches, masks, decorations everywhere, and that song that you can never get out of your head (“Three more days 'til Halloween!”)

No other film has divided the horror community quite as sharply. There are those who say this movie sucks, and others who feel that it was smeared merely because it didn't had Michael Myers. I think I've developed my own theory on the matter: Anthology series need to, for the most part, maintain a similar tone. Sure there was the occasional comedy episode of The Twilight Zone, but for the most part their episodes were far more serious than, say, Tales from the Crypt.

In the same way, if they wanted to turn Halloween into an anthology series, they needed to at minimum maintain a level of serious horror. Instead, we were given a campy film that, while good in it's own right, really didn't fit with the tone of the series. Imagine Scream Queens presented as a season of American Horror Story. As much as I love both series, they are, on a fundamental level, not the same show.

The premise of the film is that a shop owner, fleeing a town based around a Halloween-mask factory, is attacked by a group of mysterious men. He collapses in a gas station, and is taken to a hospital, where one of the men comes to finish him off. His attacker then burns himself alive.

Naturally, when a death this mysterious occurs, it's only natural for his attending physical from the hospital to team up with his daughter to investigate. Tom Adkins does an admirable job portraying Dr. Challis as a basically good family man, who has drifted away from his children and ex-wife, but who desperately wants to protect the innocent. However, the sheer silliness of the material makes you want to applaud his ability to keep a straight face.

Having watched this movie several times, I still have no idea how the doctor got involved in this story. Why did the daughter team up with him? Why did he feel the need to investigate this case? Why was he even allowed in the factory when he had no business-related reason to be there, and no authority to investigate anything? As far as I can tell the answer is “because he's the hero, and there wouldn't be a movie otherwise.”

Avoiding too many direct spoilers, before the film is over it's involved a plot by druids to sacrifice children in the most impractical way possible. Those druids employ the services of an army of robots that look completely human. Also, any nut with a telephone can get apparently get a television station shut down on the drop of a hat with one phone call.

The ending goes into the territory of the utterly baffling, but I'd say it's supposed to. At a certain point in the last twenty minutes or so things just start happening because...reasons... But, the effect is glorious. In fact a major gag from Austin Powers 2 appears to have been ripped off from this movie, only here it's played straight.

So, the answer is yes, I recommend this movie. Seek it out in the Halloween season. It's fun, it's silly, and it can only be improved by the presence of friends and alcohol.

Fear Itself: Episode 11 The Spirit Box

(I've officially decided to reverse my stance from last-year's Christmas Review.  Going forward regular reviews will be moved to the day before, so that holiday reviews can go on the correct day.)

To start out, new rule: If you start a ghost story on Halloween, most of the story should take place on Halloween. Somehow the writer of The Spirit Box thought it would be a good idea to place the first few minutes at Halloween, and then spend most of the episode in November.

I like the idea of two girls making a Spirit Board from a pizza box. The idea of seances and mysticism has been so commercialized that it's pretty cool to see some teenagers who just make do with what they have. It's not the main point of the episode, but it is probably the most interesting thing that happens. I can imagine the Producers of Ouija freaking out at the suggestion that teenagers don't need their board game to talk to the dead.

That said, the rest of the episode is...passable. There's nothing especially scary about it, but the actors mostly do decently. I enjoyed it reasonably well my first time through, but was bored for most of my second viewing, already knowing the twist.

That's not to say the twist is bad, just that most of the episode lacks a strong sense of tension. The episode could have been great with better atmosphere for the scares, but as it is it's merely adequate. Alternatively, it could have worked if it had been presented as a mystery without the ghost story trappings, rather than trying to be a mystery where a ghost occasionally pops up. Or, it could have tried to go full-on ghost story, and limit the setting entirely to Halloween.

Shelby and Becca (Anna Kendrick and Jessica Parker Kennedy) are bored on a Halloween, and want to do something special before Becca leaves for Taiwan. They decide to make a Spirit Box to contact a suicidal classmate, Emily (Samantha Hill). I'm pretty sure everyone reading this review already knows that the spirit box reveals that Emily was murdered, or we wouldn't have a story.

After the initial séance, we vary between scenes of mysterious ghost-things happening (a ghost reaching out of the water, Becca throwing up a necklace that belonged to Emily, etc), and scenes of the girls being suspicious. A mysterious masked individual follows Shelby around the school pool in the wee hours of the morning while she's training. Shelby's father (Martin Donovan) is a police officer, and she's able to sneak into his office and find evidence in his files that Emily was drugged before apparently driving her care into a lake.

After enough of the episode's runtime has passed, they hold another séance, going to Emily's grave for a better “signal” as Becca calls it. This time Emily fingers their gym teacher Mr. Drake (Mark Pellegrino). The guy is a fairly creepy individual, and Becca recalls him constantly flirting with Emily. So, Becca talks Shelby into breaking into his house, leading to a confrontation that leaves him dead.

And so, with Becca off to Taiwan, we get the final twist (or two): Shelby discovers that Emily's grave was fake, and realizes that Becca killed Emily (Becca admitting this over the phone, since Taiwan has no extradition treaties with the US), because Emily had stolen Mr. Drake from her. Becca had pushed the Spirit Box to give the answers she wanted, to lead Shelby to kill Mr. Drake in a completion of her revenge. Becca had also been the masked individual, and faked some of the paranormal events, while assuming the rest were Shelby's mind playing tricks on her. Even if the twist isn't anything special, it works because Becca's portrayal for most of the episode is subdued enough to be read either way.

But, those few remaining events were completely real. Emily's ghost comes back and kills Becca by locking her in her car and turning on the carbon monoxide. The episode ends to Becca screaming. The final scene is easily the worst part of the episode, with Kennedy under-acting badly in response to the situation. Ironically, the very downplayed portrayal that makes the rest of the episode works ruins it here. She sounds, at worst, annoyed.

A 40-minute long episode really has no excuse to feel this slow. None of the scares really hit home, and while I can understand the lack of passion coming from Kennedy, Kendrick should really show more emotion. Even if this show had been a success, I don't think anyone involved in production intended this to be the episode people remembered, just one more story to get them to 13.

Fear Itself: Episode 10 Chance

Starting this review out on a complete tangent: when I was in High School I used to love Ebert and Roeper. (my blooming as a movie buff came too late for Siskel). In 2003, I sided with Roeper on Terminator 3. He accused Ebert of contradicting himself by saying both that the film was mindless action, and that the film left questions unanswered. Ebert's answer was “I don't want my questions answered, I want my confusion resolved!”

This episode made me understand that quote. Chance (Ethan Embry) spends most of the episode talking to a doppelganger of himself. Most of the episode seems to imply that this is just a visualization of his inner monologue, and he discovers how ruthless he can be to escape a desperate situation. However, a single scene shows Chance and the doppelganger carrying a dead body together.

So, is this Fight Club-style insanity? Is this a supernatural being? If either of these are the case, why isn't Chance acting like a copy of himself showing up and offering to help him with cynical advice isn't the least bit strange? Has this been an ongoing thing?

Beyond that, I'm getting tired of saying “this movie/episode is saved by the acting.” Yes, Embry does a great job, but this is basically a simple story of one guy who kills several people due to his poor impulse control, with an unexplained gimmick thrown on top of it.

Chance and his wife (Christine Chatelain) are on the verge of destitution due to Chance favoring get-rich-quick schemes over steady work. He's convinced that he's finally found his pay-off after an antique dealer named Walter (Vondie Curtis-Hall) tells him about a rare vase in the hands of another collector, who doesn't know it's value. Chance borrows money to buy the vase for Walter, only to be told Walter had misidentified it's time-period, and it was worth a quarter of what Chance had paid.

Curtis-Hall does a good job here as well. He manages to make you legitimately unsure if he's running a con with the other dealer, as Chance suggests, or if he just misidentified the vase from a distance. I think a strong argument can be made that it was a con, but the episode makes the right choice by never fully confirming this. Either way, Chance kills him in a fight over the money, setting off the events for the rest of the episode.

Chance needs to clean his tracks, find the money he promised his wife, and get clear of the crime scene before the murder comes to light. It's at this point that the doppelganger shows up, played by Embry as a far snarkier, more confident version of Chance. He feels that Chance has allowed himself to be screwed over repeatedly throughout his life, and pushes him towards more and more violence.

Things get more complicated when Chance sets off the fire-alarm by mistake, summoning a rent-a-cop (Ricardo Betancourt). Chance nearly talks him down, before the officer discovers Walter's body, forcing Chance to kill him as well. Then, Walter's wife (Ellen Ewusie) shows up. Her murder takes more discussion with his doppelganger, but it eventually follows (also, her husband's antique store has a shower for some unexplained reason).

After he kills her, he heads home without the money, and imagines an alternate version of the day in which he was given his money without incident, and holds out Walter's severed fingers to his wife, thinking that he's holding money. His wife freaks out, and the doppelganger killers her...or makes Chance kill her, or...something. Then the police come, and arrest Chance, or his doppelganger, or someone played by Ethan Embry!

This episode has some memorable moments, but for the most part the story is just too confusing for it's own good, and has very little to offer outside of it's gimmick. The story would probably be ten minutes long without the doppelganger, and ultimately he contributes very little beyond filler dialogue. Are there worse stories? Yeah. But there's also far better. At best, this episode falls right smack dab in the middle.

Wednesday Review: Ouija: Origin of Evil

Two years ago the ship that was Ouija sank. The film turned enough of a profit to basically obligate the studio to make another one, but I seriously doubt that anyone expected anything of value to come out of this. So, I suppose we all assumed that they would simply dive down to the wreckage, and loot what treasure was left, or start fresh with a new story and christen a totally different ship the Ouija.

Instead, rising horror star Mike Flanagan apparently decided he was going to dive down into the wreckage with a bucket, and bail water until the ship was raised. To our shock, he succeeded, and we now have a Ouija movie that is in-continuity with the first, that is actually floating above the water. We’re so impressed that Flanagan actually pulled it off, that we don’t really care that it can’t do much except float barely above the water-line of mediocrity, and the film now sits with an RT rating of 80% to the original’s 7%.

I know that seems like an insanely complicated metaphor, but I spent so much time thinking it up that I had to use it. To get into the more serious reviewing, this is a movie with a lot of baggage, from both the original film, and Hasbro. That said, Flanagan works with what he has.

I’m also fairly certain there are some retcons here (although I have yet to subject myself to a second viewing of the first film). While this is the story of a medium’s daughter being possessed by an evil spirit as established in the first film, the medium was now a fake who finds herself beginning to believe. The context in which all of this happens has been radically changed. I believe the intention is to treat Lina, the older daughter of the medium who appeared as an old lady in the original film, as an unreliable narrator, and this as the “real” story. Although, honestly, it wouldn’t be hard to pass this version off as another wild tale spun by Lina.

The movie suffers mainly when it reminds us what it is. Some of the special effects seem to look bad precisely because they’re aping the awful effects of the first film. I strongly suspect that the man who made Oculus could have done better, if he didn’t have consistency to worry about. It also bugs me to think that a fake medium, who’s entire profession is based on showmanship, would buy an off-the-shelf Ouija board, rather than making her own custom talking board, but at some level this movie has to be a commercial.

On the up side, the movie has some fairly interesting ideas. In particular, it plays around what the idea of what possession really means, and the line between a real medium and a fake. If that sounds truly baffling, it’s because I honestly don’t want to spoil some of the major twists of the film for my readers.

Is this movie scary? It has it’s moments, but not as many of them as a movie made entirely by Flanagan likely would have had. I feel like he did everything he could with the material, but it’s still a toy-commercial horror movie and prequel to one of the worst movies in recent years. There’s only so much he could manage.

So, check it out on DVD. It’ll wait.

Fear Itself: Episode 9 Something With Bite

TVtropes refers to Something with Bite as a “breather episode.” I fully agree. It has what is probably the happiest ending of any story I've seen that bore the label “horror.” It's basically the story of a man going through a mid-life crisis and overcoming it perfectly.

Dr. Wilbur Orwell (Wendell Pierce) is a bored veterinarian. He's indifferent to his appearance, forgets family events, and goes through his work day like a zombie. Then, a mysterious large animal with a name tag reading “Michael” is brought in, after being hit by a truck. Wilbur is unable to save the animal. However, before dying, it bites Wilbur (yeah, you know where this is going).

The animal's “owners,” Crane and Moonflower Dougdale (George Burza and Gillian Barber) show up distraught, asking Wilbur to release the body to them for burial. Wilbur says that he isn't supposed to release an animal so large, but eventually relents. Crane leaves his card so that Wilbur can find him again.

In the wake of the bite Wilbur suddenly undergoes a change. He loves his job, he sexually satisfies his wife (Paula Jai Parker), and he wins back over his son (Meshach Peters). The episode is wise to completely sidestep the stereotype of the scary, black man. Instead, Wilbur simply becomes charming and likable.

Throughout the episode, however, a series of killings, mixing signs of animal attacks and murders, take place in the background, eventually including one of Wilbur's employees (Colin A Campbell). As Wilbur becomes more aware of his werewolf transformations, he becomes terrified that he's now carrying on a murder spree started by Michael, so he seeks out the Dougdale's.

The Dougdale's, obviously Michael's parents, are werewolves as well, and reassure Wendell that werewolves do not do anything they wouldn't do as a human. When another of Wendell's employees, Mikayla (Kailin See), is attacked a detective (Fulvio Cecere) tells Wilbur that he believes the veterinarian is responsible. The detective apparently believes Wilbur is a serial killer trying to make his murders look like animal attacks.

Wilbur, however, is able to follow the scent to find the killings are being carried out by a completely normal human with a werewolf obsession (Christopher Redman). The killer was apparently under the impression that killing in the style of werewolves would cause them to come and turn him. Wilbur, instead, rips him apart in fury.

The episode ends with Wilbur's family having dinner with the Dougdale's. Wilbur slips into the kitchen to flirt with his wife, gives her a gentle bite, and laughs. I'm curious how old their son will be before they let him transform. Does werewolf culture specify a minimum age?

This is the only “horror” story I've ever seen that would be perfect for cheering yourself up. It's overall a very sweet story about a good man re-learning how to love life, and becoming closer to his family. Plus, the serial killer is promptly dealt with, and the only victims we actually get to know are a jerk and a survivor, so the killings aren't that big of a downer. I'd say check this one out.

Fear Itself: Episode 8 Skin and Bones

I'll say that this episode gets props over Deer Woman for at least having a prominent Native American character in a supporting role, in an episode about Native American legends. Based on my search of Wikipedia the actor is not from the same tribe as the Wendigo legend, but I guess it's at least effort. I'm not going to dwell too much on the origin of the legend, since like most folklore the details of the Wendigo vary from telling to telling, so asking if this episode is “accurate” would be pointless.

The premise of the story is that a rancher named Grady (Doug Jones) rides off into the wilderness for several days with a group of his friends to hunt, and comes back alone and sickly. His brother Rowdy (John Pyper-Ferguson), wife Elena (Molly Hagan), and children Derek and Tim (Brett Dier and Cole Heppell) are all concerned about his condition, but Eddie Bear (Gordon Tootoosis), an elderly Native American who works for them recognizes his symptoms. Grady has been possessed by a Wendigo, an evil spirit that takes over desperate, starving people and turns them into cannibals.

Doug Jones is in far less make-up than the roles he's best known for, but some simple touches are taken to make sure he looks distinctly inhuman. Most prominently, the Wendigo's teeth protrude forward like a snout. The effect easily puts him in the uncanny valley.

While the episode does make an attempt to show the Wendigo and Grady as separate entities, Grady is never shown as being at odds with the Wendigo. The implication seems to be that the Wendigo has already removed his inhibitions, and in their absence going on a killing spree with his enhanced strength and speed is completely natural to him. There is a scene where he goes through the motions of asking for help, but the scene lacks any sincerity. I'm pretty sure Doug Jones could have given it more weight if we were supposed to believe it.

The episode is primarily driven by family drama. We're given a strong implication that the two brothers both resent the other. Rowdy seems to think that Grady would have failed as a rancher without him, while we learn through Derek that Grady has taken a consistent loss on the ranch, and seems to view it as a pity project to keep his brother employed.

If the episode has a twist it's simply that Rowdy is the real father of Grady's children. You see this coming a mile away. After killing Rowdy, Grady forced his wife to butcher and cook him as stew, and even eat a bowl herself. Given that he's already killed Eddie Bear (yes, everyone in the episode uses both names when referring to him on every occasion), the decision to eat Rowdy specifically can only be driven by resentment. This is fury that's been building for years. There's only one source the resentment could come.

It's Grady's wife who eventually finishes him off. Grady attacks his sons, and reveals their real paternity. So, she shoots him, ending the episode, but freeing the Wendigo spirit to seek out new victims.

This isn't really the best episode. It's hindered by the fact that most of the actors aren't great, and Doug Jones spends a lot of time off-screen until near the end. I kind of wish he'd succeeded in killing the rest of the cast, instead of the two kills he got. He's easily the best part of this episode.

Director Larry Fessenden is known primarily as an actor, but has directed several films. Notably he'd directed two previous works about Wendigos (one a film, one a documentary), so they seem to be an interest of his. Either that or it's just a mind-boggling coincidence that he keeps getting picked to direct films about them. For this episode, he does an acceptable job, but nothing special.

Fear Itself: Episode 7 Community

This episode convinced me that I like Brandon Routh. Playing Superman isn't really much of a challenge, so seeing Routh in literally any other role tells me a lot more about his acting ability. He's a charming guy, with good energy.

That said, I find myself baffled by what this episode was going for. The ending just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story, unless I missed something major. I believe that either some important plot-point was cut out, or the writers wanted a twist ending and had no idea where to go with it.

The premise of the episode is decent. Bobby and Tracy (Routh and Shiri Appleby) are a couple who want to have a child, but don't want to raise it in their current apartment. A miracle seems to happen when they're offered a great deal on house in a planned community called The Commons. They're told The Commons are a planned community, that accepts only couples that fit the exact criteria they believe will help to create their ideal community.

Once they move in, however, they find that the community is incredibly controlling of it's residents. Infidelity is punished by public shaming, there are cameras in every house, and the community has the right to foreclose on them if they fail to conceive a child within six months. It's strongly implied that The Commons' goal is to create a perfect environment for raising successful children, loyal to their community, to expand their wealth and influence throughout society.

Eventually, it becomes clear that residents who don't properly toe the line are either killed, or terrorized into submission. It's strongly implied that this happened to the previous resident of Bobby and Tracy's house, and that their neighbor Phil (John Billingsley) had his leg amputated for his discontent. While it's unrealistic that they could get away with this, it's nothing compared to The Washingtonians, so I can't really complain after praising that episode.

The ending is where the episode really falls apart. Bobby and Tracy attempt an escape with the help of their outside friends Scott and Meryl (Charlie Hofheimer and Alexandra Fatovich). Meryl wears a wig and pretends to be a sick Tracy while Scott gets the real Tracy to safety. They're found out, but Bobby manages to run with the help of Phil...then, Scott and Tracy come back, having decided they want to live in The Commons, and help capture Bobby, whose legs are amputated.

So, why the sudden change of heart for Scott and Tracy? I literally have no idea. It seems like some kind of mind-control, but how did The Commons could use mind-control on people whose location they didn't know, while being unable to use it on Bobby when he was right there? A friend of mine suggested that the community seems to use mind-control on the women, while blackmailing the men, but that still doesn't explain Scott, and some of the women in the episode seem quite resistant as well.

Also, cell phone communication seems to be the only form of privacy that The Commons doesn't interfere with. I was expecting something to come of Bobby's use of a cell phone to coordinate the escape, but it never did. Apparently The Commons got the hard parts of totalitarianism down, but forgot about the basics, like phone tapping.

Overall, the episode is very “meh.” It's a good premise, with a bad ending, but a good lead actor. I think expanded to feature length this could have been an interesting story, but at it's current length the ending just seems rushed.

On a final note, I did notice that this is the only episode of either Masters of Horror or Fear Itself to be directed by a woman (Mary Harron, director of American Psycho). I didn't notice a great deal of influence from that, but there was a brief shot showing a group of kids re-enacting the public shaming of an adulterous woman, with a little girl in a pig mask playing the role of the punished. The scene is pretty uncomfortable to be sure, especially since punishment of the man she was cheating with is never seen or even mentioned.

Fear Itself: Episode 6: New Years Day

The credits of this episode show that it's based on a Paul Kane story, Dead Time. I've never read that story, however I do see a clear inspiration in H.P. Lovecraft's 1926 story The Outsider. It's quite likely that Kane drew from Lovecraft himself, so this is probably an adaptation of a reimagining (I'm reluctant to say “rip-off,” since the story is public domain).

The basic story is there: a journey to seek out people, ending with the revelation that the main character is a ghoul/zombie (terminology has changed since Lovecraft's day), and is thus rejected by humans. In fact, while the set-up of this episode is quite different, it's actually much more faithful than many official Lovecraft adaptations, including the “film adaptation” of The Outsider, Castle Freak.

The apparent connection to Lovecraft, however, does not save it. This episode is just ill-conceived. The acting is decent, and Darren Lynn Bousman is a talented enough directed, but the twist simply doesn't work on the screen. In Lovecraft's story the narrator had never encountered a human before, so not realizing that he was different made a degree of sense. In this version, Helen (Briana Evigan), makes multiple phone calls to her friends over the course of the night, and somehow believes that she's speaking English when she's merely groaning.

We the audience, of course, see her as a human until the end of the episode. That feels like a cheat to me. I know there are plenty of movies, such as Fight Club and Silent House that show us the character's hallucinations from a third-person perspective, but pointing the camera directly at the narrator, and not showing us she's a zombie, is just cheap.

Another major problem concerns how intelligent Helen is. She doesn't behave aggressively or attack people, but the other zombies do, and she has constant flashbacks to her human life. However, there's no suggestion that she's a special zombie. So, do all the other zombies think they're human? Is eating human flesh something you just decide to do when you realizing you're a zombie? Helen does when she finally figures it out, so maybe it's just what's expected.

It's amazing how much of this review is devoted simply to the problems with the twist. That said, however, the episode does make a somewhat interesting love-triangle. Helen spends the entire night trying to get to James (Cory Monteith), a man she feels unrequited love for, while being followed by her zombified roommate Eddie (Niall Matter), who was in love with her in life. She calls James a number of times, and they believe that his inability to understand her is due to connection issues.

We eventually find out that Helen became a zombie because she committed suicide when she saw James with a girl named Chrissie (Zulay Henao). Eddie tried and failed to revive her, before being zombified himself by a child zombie. It's a depressing scene to be sure.

The episode ends with James shooting but failing to kill Helen, Eddie killing James, and the two holding hands before they eat Chrissie together. It is twistedly romantic, like a darker version of Warm Bodies. However, it still leaves me with the obvious question of just how intelligent Helen, or any other zombie in this episode are. She still apparently has her memories and identity, but just chooses to eat humans because...zombie?

That said, I don't hate this episode. If you want to watch it, go ahead, but expect to facepalm a lot. It's as exciting as it is dumb, and as sweet as it is cheap.

Wednesday Review: The Girl on the Train

The Girl on The Train is based on a best-selling book. I get the distinct impression it should have stayed in that format. This is not a story that’s cinematic at all. We have dialogue, we have internal monologue, and we have lots of flashbacks. We also have a set of characters who, aside from the man played by Luke Evans, I pretty much hate.

I’d be lying if I said this story didn’t have depth or complex characters. However, they’re complex horrible people with multiple layers to their dysfunction. I’m not entirely sure that Evans didn’t feel like a breath of fresh air because it’s impossible to not like Luke Evans, but it was something of a relief when he came into the story, albeit briefly, as a basically good person caught up in the web of bullshit surrounding all the other characters in this movie.

Our main character, Rachel, is an alcoholic who rides a train every day to avoid telling her roommate that she’s unemployed. Every day, she rides past her ex-husband and his new wife, as well as some neighbors who she fantasizes about. She imagines the woman and man she sees through the train window to have the perfect, happy life she’ll never get to enjoy.

Then, disaster! Rachel realizes that this complete stranger is having an affair, ruining her vicarious life. In a drunken stupor she gets off the train, chases the woman down, and blacks out. When she wakes up, she’s covered in blood, and learns the woman is missing. The remainder of the movie is driven by the question of what happened during the period of time she can’t remember.

Running through the characters: Our main character is, once again, and alcoholic who we learn regularly harasses her ex-husband and his new wife, and has even entered their home simply because the door was unlocked. The ex-husband seems disturbingly indifferent to the problems of either his current or former wife. The fantasy girl is having an affair, despite being with a man who we learn has never been anything but dutiful to her. And before the film is over even the new wife is revealed to be an utter piece of human garbage, but to give the details of that way would be to spoil the story.

And the film wants us to feel sympathy for each of these people. Sure, in a book it might work, where we get to go directly inside their heads and understand how their dysfunctions developed. Here, however, we have their actions and the occasional internal monologue from our protagonist. That doesn’t inspire sympathy in me.

Putting that side, this is a murder mystery with little in the way of action or clues. Eventually, the truth just...kind of falls into place, and we get a brief climax. There’s no threats from the killer, or chase scenes. Just a quick scuffle and it’s over. You could argue the character’s grow, but it’s questionable if the events of the film even had anything to do with that, or if they were simply at the breaking point emotionally when something had to give.

Skip this movie. I haven’t even read the book, and I’m still recommending it over the movie.

Fear Itself: Episode 5 Eater

I'm so happy Stuart Gordon was one of the Masters they were able to keep. The man has a talent for the uncomfortable. I'm not sure if I'd define this as a Lovecraftian story in the way most of his films are. This is a story about supernatural forces being used by humans, and human life is treated as valuable. However, I do see a common trait with Re-Animator: a villain for whom rational motivation seems a lot less important than “because I can.”

Duane Mellor (Stephen Hart), a cannibalistic, voodou-practicing serial killer, is arrested and brought into a local police station. The precinct is already a tense environment, due to resentment of new recruit Danny Bannerman (Elizabeth Moss). Bannerman's status of horror-movie fan, female, highly competent, rookie police officer doesn't exactly endure the her co-workers to her.

The early scenes with her are standard, but fairly well done. I think her horror movie addiction was thrown in, both to make her more relatable to the likely audience (duh), and to add a new element to the tension. Women and rookies being hated in the workplace is pretty common. So, they throw in a geek element, and it makes for a few decent lines of dialogue. Plus, Elizabeth Moss does a good job.

Then, Mellor gets out, and begins eating the still-beating hearts of her co-workers to assume their forms with his vodou powers. This is what I meant when I said that motivation was unimportant: Why was Mellor even caught if he can just shape-shift whenever he wants. He can apparently also copy the voices and memories of his victims perfectly. Given his apparent super-human strength, and off-screen teleportation, you'd expect him to be sunning himself on a beach somewhere, in the form of the most convenient billionaire by now. But, no, apparently torturing police officers is more his style.

Taking the form of Bannerman's colleagues allows Mellor to draw on both her familiarity, and their resentment. Ironically, Mellor seems to have far more respect for her than most of her colleagues, with the exception of her Sergeant (Russell Hornsby). He seems to save her for last precisely because he thinks that terrifying a horror-move fan is fun. The fact that she's substantially smarter than those around her is likely also a factor. He's in this for the sport.

The ending, while I'd question it's biological feasibility, seems like exactly the kind of genre-savvy thing a horror geek would attempt: kill the cannibal by covering your neck with rat poison, and then eating some. I imagine a fairly substantial dose of rat poison would be required to kill a man the size of Mellor, but one bite of Bannerman was all it took.

Still, I don't approach a Stuart Gordon film expecting to be overwhelmed by realism. Re-Animator is character-driven silliness at it's core. By comparison this could be a documentary.

This episode, while less objectively well constructed than In Sickness and In Health, is both scarier, and more entertaining. Moss is a lot of fun to watch, and Hart is downright terrifying. I could complain about the demonization of vodou, but why waste my breath. The episode is fun, and that's all I have to say on the matter.

Fear Itself: Episode 4 In Sickness and In Health

It took me a while to figure out what was wrong with this episode. Don't misunderstand, it's a good episode, but it seems completely devoid of any actual fear. I considered it from all the possible angles. The twist seems good. It makes sense without being telegraphed. The episode's atmosphere manages to being uncomfortable when needed, without screaming that the audience should be afraid from the very first shot. It even has good pacing, and solid direction by John Landis.

So, I had to ask myself why I'm not afraid. Then, I realized: this episode cast the leads of Psych as the main characters. Maggie Lawson and James Roday are incredibly funny people, but by that same token they are chronically incapable of being frightening. They're just too damned likable.

On her wedding day Samantha (Lawson) is given a note by her bridesmaid Ruthie (Sonja Bennett), who received it from the priest, who received it from a mysterious woman. The note reads “The person you are marrying is a serial killer.” No one else knows the nature of the note, but the bridesmaids all assume the note reveals some horrible secret about her fiance Carlos (Roday), who becomes increasingly aggressive as the maids seem more and more hostile towards him. Samantha is determined not to let anyone know the contents, even as Carlos demands to know what it was.

The climax comes when the two are isolated in the church the night after their wedding, and Samantha retreats into a confession booth and locks herself in as Carlos stands outside, demanding for her to come out, before breaking down. The reveal is a two-fer: Carlos became aggressive because he had dinner with another woman, who began stalking him. He believed she had passed Samantha the note in an effort to ruin their wedding day by revealing his infidelity. Samantha, on the other hand, reveals that the note was actually intended for Carlos, and the priest had passed it to her due to his poor hearing.

We then cut to the apartment filled with bottled body-parts, where Samantha lives with her brother Steven (Brendan Hunter). We see that Steven was the one who passed the note, while dressed in drag. Meanwhile, Carlos says he doesn't care about the note, and makes Samantha promise to show him her secret “when you're ready.” With more intimidating actors, this would have been creepy. As the episode stands, it just isn't.

The episode still works decently as a mystery. A lot of the foreshadowing is effective because it can easily be interpreted to indicate either fear or guilt on the part of Samantha. During the wedding ceremony Samantha sees Carlos' face become a skull. She also constantly questions whether or not she's “making a mistake” by rushing into a marriage after multiple boyfriends have “disappeared.”

Towards the end both Roday and Lawson have a few moments in which they try and fail to broadcast madness, but it's just not within their acting range. These moments are brief, however, and the episode is better for it. Most of the time Lawson's performance is more subdued, and Roday acts more like an upset boyfriend than a sociopath.

Ultimately this is one of those episodes that makes me glad I don't have a rating system. It's quality can only be assessed in terms of whether or not you want to be frightened. There is nothing “bad” about the episode, it fails exclusively within the genre of horror.

Fear Itself: Episode 3 Family Man

Family Man is probably the best known episode of this series, and for good reason. While the ending is predictable, it's still shocking. This is probably the single best use of a body-switching story I've ever seen.

Crediting in stories of this kind always seems somewhat confusing to me. The convention seems to be crediting the actors for their body's original character, even if the situation is reversed for the majority of the story. So, to be clear: Colin Ferguson plays the body of Dennis Mahoney, a responsible family man possessed by a serial killer named Richard Brautigan. Clifton Collins Jr. plays the body of Richard Brautigan, a serial killer possessed by a responsible family man named Dennis Mahoney.

The switch happens when both of them are brought into the hospital near death. Dennis was in a car wreck, while Brautigan was shot by the police. They have an out-of-body experience in which Brautigan shows Dennis his body, and then they wake up in the wrong bodies. Whether this was intentional on the part of Brautigan, or a pure accident, is never made entirely clear. Brautigan certainly seems to adapt to the situation much more easily.

There seems to be an implication here that the personality transfer was incomplete. Dennis is suddenly able to endure a cop beating with little reaction, and even return it in kind. Brautigan, a man who slaughtered his entire family when he was 12, says that he now wants to take care of Dennis' family, at least at first. In an effort to better adapt, Brautigan begins visiting Dennis in prison, trying to share information about how they can better fit into their roles.

The relationship between the two is fascinating. Brautigan seems to sincerely feel that he and Dennis are friends. Dennis, while obvious hating Brautigan, also recognizes the killer as the only way he can keep up to date on his family's welfare, especially after Dennis makes a number of calls to the family, who have the obvious reaction, and Brautigan has the number changed.

The other performances are all good as well. The weakest point is probably Brent Stait and Michael St. John Smith as cops brutalizing a man they believe is a serial killer, but how much can you really do with that? They're not really “bad,” just simple.

Stephen Lobo steals the show as a public defender, convinced that Brautigan is trolling him. Josie Davis, Gig Morton, and Nicole Leduc are all effective as Dennis' family. There's never any attempt at having a single person who believes Dennis, everyone is either convinced that he's crazy, or in the case of the lawyer that he's working with the “real” Dennis. It's basically the reaction you'd get in the real world.

Eventually, Dennis is able to engineer an escape and return to his house, and the inevitable happens. He and Brautigan fight, and the cops arrive just in time to kill Brautigan's body, transferring Dennis back. However, his wife and son have just been slaughtered, and his daughter is alive, pointing to Dennis as the killer. The episode closes to his scream.

The ending of this episode is legitimately terrifying to me. I can handle blood and gore, but a man going to prison for the rest of his life for crimes a serial killer committed against his own family, with his stolen body? That gets me. Even if a person wasn't interested in this series as a whole, this is an episode I'd recommend independently.